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katharismós
wennaaa.bs
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real talk
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Hello 2019. This post is perhaps one of the most personal ones I'll write. When it has to do with accepting everything about who you are, you just have to face the cold hard truth and reality of things. Don't worry, this post isn't all about "Am I good enough?" kind of rant. It's an issue that's very close to my heart. Something I'm starting to take note and it's been weighing heavily on my mind since beginning of this year. Nowadays, the dinner conversations that I have with friends/family, or ANY conversation I would say - always lead to the topic of a life partner. That's normal and pretty typical, I know. In the past, I would merely brush off the topic and shrug my shoulders. I wasn't too worried. In fact, I'll joke that they should pray harder for me. But I guess my attitude started to shift in the beginning of this year. I started to reflect on myself - my traits, my weaknesses. What areas can I improve in myself? That was the moment when I found my biggest weakness, and I can potentially see as one big obstacle should I be able to find someone. My biggest weakness I see in myself is my reluctance to show vulnerability. Quite a few people have mentioned to me that my personality is the type that is difficult to read. In social situations, I'm generally fine in talking to new people and selectively sharing parts of my life. But very few will see the real side of me. It's kind of a trust issue as well - only those who are insanely close to me sees this side of me. That's because, I don't like to share. Or rather, I choose not to share. I don't like to be vulnerable and share my heart because I'm honestly scared of people knowing the matters of my heart and ultimately, leaving me. I've had situations where I tried to open myself, but I find myself to be disappointed every time. It's not an easy thing for me at all. I find it so amazing when people can just share so freely and just be so real. How do they find this courage within themselves to just be so open? I can't... at least not now. I'll often test water with people, to avoid any disappointment. It's such a scary thing, and very real. Of course, another factor is work. I think I'm becoming a workaholic. In the most recent PH which was CNY, I didn't mind at all that I had to go back to office - I was actually rather happy. Everyday, I do put in my best effort in my tasks and always strive for excellence. I aim for no mistakes made, and I get really mad at myself if I commit very basic errors. I get really engrossed in my work that I don't reply texts (one of my biggest weaknesses too). I can don't reply texts for like a couple of days which is really terrible... I know. I often wonder how my friends stand me. I wouldn't even want to be my friend. But I'm so appreciative of friends who would literally drag me out of my shell and be making sure I'm alright. Shoutout to my bud Sandy, you're the best seriously. But anyway, yes working is consuming my life at the moment. How on earth do I balance everything? I'm a huge advocate for living in the moment. I would hate to miss out moments with people that you're with - because you're playing a game or you're texting someone. I guess that's why I try not to be on my phone. Honestly, I feel that phones are killing the generations. It's such a piece of evil but yet so convenient. A necessary evil. But okay bringing this back to topic, I have no idea how I would communicate with my future partner. Usually, people would always start off with texting to get to know each other, followed by meeting up and then that's where things start to take off. Ha ha, I think I wouldn't even pass the stage of texting. Ah, the struggles. I think I'm an old-fashioned, old soul living in the 1900s. Bring back all the old ways of dating and courtship with all the letters and notes. I don't know what I can do to change this aspect of myself. But I do pray, that God you'll slowly work in me. To transform me to become that person for my future partner. That's all I pray and ask for. Leaving my thoughts and rants here. I have more to write actually, but this post seems too much about myself. Shall just leave this here, and go to bed. Side note: I took the afternoon off because this week was just too tiring for me. It was one insanely long week, and I was rather desperate in wanting a tiny break. It was one of the best afternoons everrrr seriously. I went to sing k for 2 hours, did some shopping, got to drink bbt that my colleague recommended, did some reading in a library and did some catching up with church friends for dinner. So good. Calm and quiet moments that I cherish. Posted by wen xin at 12:45 AM
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