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katharismós
wennaaa.bs
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2019: The year I was not as invisible as I thought
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Today is the first day of 2020 for me. Currently seated myself in Forty Hands café at 4.12pm, sipping on some iced latte and just read through all of the posts in 2019 - which I laughed pretty hard at. The things I said - me being a lost cause, love being a rarity.. seemed to have all hit me like a truck in the second half of 2019. But before I get to that, I'm gonna use this post to recall all the memories of 2019 from the beginning till the end. To summarise how 2019 was like to me, I would say - it was the year I was not as invisible as I thought. This year was also the year I can finally say that I felt truly comfortable in my own skin. For the few friends who saw me grow up, being myself was always one of my hardest, constant, struggle. Starting work helped me to become much better at building my personality but I still felt very inferior, very insecure in myself. I was never loud, never the life of the party, not the funniest but was just someone who was kinda swimming in the middle. What changed? I guess with both of my siblings out of the house because they got married did help. It helped me to shape and mould my own personality since I no longer hiding in my siblings' shadow. Honestly, this has always been a constant battle because my sister is obviously more capable than me but more on the introverted side, while my brother is clearly more extraverted and fun and there I was again - swimming in the middle. Looking back in 2019, this was definitely the year that I went through numerous struggles and challenges that I never faced before. Someone said to me, "You've changed so much since you've started work, you've become a lot more positive! How come?" Those who knows me for more than a few years would know that I was a super reflective person, always dwelling on the past and my mistakes. Constantly beating myself up on things that could've been done better or the regrets from things not done. Work helped me to open my eyes, change my mindset definitely. I've realised that in order to move forward I cannot keep clenching my fists holding on to my past. I need to open my palms and let things go before I can take on new challenges. And so, I stop beating myself up. I stop letting myself get in the way of my progress. I let myself fall and make mistakes but I get back on my feet and move on. No point to constantly look back, you'll miss so many moments in front of you! And so, I've learnt to let go and live in the moment. Appreciate the things on my hands and ahead of me. Of course I still do reflect and think about the past, but I find myself doing that much less often than I used to. I like this change about me and I hope to carry this to 2020! 2019 was a truly eventful year. David came to Singapore in February, I brought him around and my car stalled at the durian place. I panicked and didn't know what to do, in the end we just took grab to our dinner at Melben and to the airport. He was so so chatty, had so much energy throughout the entire day! It was fun :) however, Jackie (David's cousin) recently contacted me in November that his mum had sadly passed away. I hope you're doing ok, David. And I hope my flowers cheered you up a bit! 
Besides David, my vocal teacher Daniel was supposed to stop by Singapore and meet me for a meal. Unfortunately, his flight got changed and his transit got shortened so he couldn't get out! But definitely if I go to California, I would find him and watch his live performance that's for sure. He's so good at all dem rock songs!! Talking about travelling, I travelled A LOT in 2019 - Shanghai, Eastern Europe (Prague, Cesky Krumlov, Salzburg, Hallstatt, Vienna, Wachau Valley, Budapest, Krakow, Zakopane, Warsaw), Taiwan (Kaoshiung and Kenting), BKK. One of my proudest moments was planning the Eastern Europe trip for my parents and to bring them around. It was tough to plan for so many places and to ensure that the travelling was smooth, but thankful to God that everything mostly went well. There were a few times that I was almost met with accidents which was insanely scary and I really really thank God for his protection over me. The most major was in 2017 when I somehow got hit off my bicycle and got a minor concussion leading to short term memory loss.. if my friend didn't find me in time I really don't know if I would still be in SG typing this post now. Second moment I rank would probably the Taiwan trip with Jane, where I was riding an electric scooter and nearly got hit by a car. That was super frightening, and I'm super thankful to God. Third moment was in Vienna, when my parents and I were rushing to our next connecting train. We dashed out of the train and ran all the way, barely making it to our next train. Literally, the moment that we stepped into the train, the door closed. Another moment was when we were rushing to our next location (Budapest) and we were almost late for the bus. We were stuck at a traffic light. My dad thought it was a green man and he took his first step out but thankfully he didn't go any further because a car was coming at full speed. So many close shaves! I'll post some of the most memorable moments of my travelling below. 
Ok now for the downsides of 2019. Definitely one thing that took a nose dive was my health. I mean, my health wasn't the best to begin with but this year was one of the worst for me. At about June, I felt SO lethargic to the point where I couldn't focus at all at work. I remember one of the days at 1pm and I just couldn't force myself to focus. I wanted to go home and sleep so badly. I had to put peppermint oil on my nose and head temples to keep myself awake. My appetite dropped drastically (even now I'm still working on it), I would eat a little bit and be full. This happened everyday for all my meals. As a result, I lost some weight but not in the way I would want to of course. This is not healthy weight loss and I was very concerned about my health. I was unable to sleep properly too. I constantly woke up in the middle of the night and never had a proper sleep through the night for about 1-2 months? In about August, one of my wakeup calls was when I fainted in the toilet in the middle of the night. I still vividly remember that night that my stomach was hurting so badly. I faster got myself to the toilet but turns out the pain was so strong that I blacked out. The way I fell.. was another clear indication of God's protection. I could've fallen and hit my head on glass or on a sharp edge. After not sure how long, I regained consciousness and I realized I was lying in between the glass and the toilet bowl. That area was so small, and I concluded it could really only be God's grace that I landed in this position and that it was nothing more serious. I escaped what would've been a grave situation with a few scrapes and bruises and still went to work the next day LOL. I went to see a Chinese doctor who said that I have thyroid issues. I've been taking her medication for a couple of months now and I'm seeing improvements. My appetite is slowly growing back, my sleep is getting better and I'm feeling stronger. So it's all good! Here's to a healthier me in 2020 :) As I look back at my photos and recall all the memories, I can only be so thankful. My heart is so grateful for all the people in my life who helped me to become who I am today. All the kind souls who were so helpful to me during my travelling. In 2019, I've met so many new people from different cultures, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and I believe this is one of the defining moments when I had to truly be comfortable with expressing myself. I met quite a number of Jane's friends, majority are all Koreans haha. I was introduced to a whole new culture, including meeting Jane's parents and brother. Hahahaha, it was so funny when I first met them. I was like, should I bow? Do I need to do something so I wouldn't look so rude? That was hilarious. They helped me to be myself, to love myself. I was hanging out a lot with Jane and Ray and had one of the best times in 2019. I am immensely proud of myself for being able to express myself and my thoughts a lot more, and just be my weirdo self. To my mirror, 2019 was a rough year for us. I loved that we could talk about anything and everything. I loved that we had so much in common. I loved how comfortable we were around each other. You made me laugh so much, smile at the silly things you would say. We had a deep connection and it's sad that this communication started to have cracks. The bond we shared started to show its weakness. I hated that you would tell me you had a lot of likes on the dating app you were on. I didn't appreciate that you started to say things to me, you saying that I was selfish hurt me the most. You didn't convince me or tried to keep me. You gave up. You hoped that I would change my mind. But I couldn't. I don't know what lies ahead for us, but I wish you the very best. Will we continue to be friends? I don't know. But you'll always be someone special to me, that I know. 
Years have passed but I would still choose the same song to describe myself: "Thank you for the music - Abba" I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before But I have a talent, a wonderful thing Cause everyone listens when I start to sing I'm so grateful and proud All I want is to sing it out loud So I say Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing Thanks for all the joy they're bringing Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty What would life be? Without a song or a dance what are we? So I say thank you for the music For giving it to me I've been working on my singing, getting better slowly but surely. I'm happy :) 2019 was a forgetful year. I hope, 2020 will be better.
Posted by wen xin at 12:22 AM
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